Tall Men, My Butt, and Other Things I Don’t Know What to Do With

People say dancing is supposed to be somewhat intuitive. You’re supposed to just “feel” the music and go with it. Dancing is just moving your body to music, even if that moving just consists of shifting back and forth. Some people look absolutely effortless dancing. They hear their favorite song and they start swaying, moving their arms and legs as if they’ve become part of the song.

I am not one of those people.

After at least 5 high school dances and two weddings, I still have no concept of dancing.

Dancing is not intuitive for me. If I’m doing a “move,” that’s one thing. I can do a sprinkler. I am a master shopping cart operator. I can even drive the school bus with flair and attitude. But I don’t understand how to improvise. What do I do with my arms? Should they be over my head? At my sides? And how do I move them like graceful noodles and not like huge lumbering metal poles attached to my torso?

As if the arms aren’t difficult enough to figure out, the lower half of my body completely throws me for a loop. Should I pick up my feet more? I don’t want to look like I’m stomping across the dance floor. Do I bend your knees a little or keep them straight? And what do I do with my butt?

This is the biggest question.

What do you do with it? I have a big butt. I do. I can’t hide it, which means I should probably figure out what it is supposed to be doing amidst this chaos of limb movement and bad rap music. People say to just sway your hips, but even that is a challenge. I feel like I look like Wall-E’s clubbing buddy. And my butt is attached to this whole business – where does it go? I don’t want to look like I’m “shaking my butt,” as I’m not really trying to pick up any men nor would I with what presumably would look like a bad bumblebee mating dance. I also don’t want to move like I am constrained by a full-body cast.

Dancing alone is riddled with questions left unanswered. It is not near as simple as the other 90% of the world who can move their bodies like normal human beings would believe.

And the struggle doesn’t end there. How do I dance with someone who is really, really tall? Or just a normal amount of tall but I am really, really short? I am never sure whether to not look at them, which looks awkward, or to look up at them and slowly feel the nerves in my neck die from looking vertically for upwards of five minutes, while they stare down my nose. (Alas, the boyfriend is tall, and so I suppose the neck pain/nose visual is part of the package.)

Needless to say, I am no closer to understanding how to dance. I have managed to get through almost twenty years of my life without anyone making fun of me to my face, and my butt hasn’t gone rogue and knocked anyone over yet. I guess that is all I can ask for. That, and a boyfriend who also has two left feet. At least someone will do the Macarena with me…but even that one involves your hips. Sigh.


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